Miles' Diary
by CrystalMaiden77
Summary: Just an insight into what was going through Anti-Tails' head after the events of the last time he went to Mobius. It might be more surprising than you'd think.


After the events involving Scourge that had transpired the last time the Suppression Squad was on Mobius, Miles Prower decided to write in a diary for the first time, having had so many different thoughts buzzing around in his head that he had become desperate for a safe way to express them. He found a notebook to write in and a pen, and planned on destroying the paper he would write on afterwards.

" So what do I write about? I guess I'll start with the start of this day. I had pancakes with chocolate chips and syrup for breakfast, courtesy of Princess Sally Alicia's chef. I wish I was allowed to cook. I mean, I wouldn't get in trouble if I tried, but every time I try to convince them to let me make a meal, they always say that I don't have to trouble myself with that because that's what the chef is for, that now I can enjoy being cooked for when I never got to experience that before meeting Sonic. And it is nice having someone wanting to provide me with meals – good meals at that, both healthy and delicious – but I loved cooking when I was younger! "

" Experimenting with my knowledge of what different food elements taste like and how good they go with certain other kinds in a meal, and putting certain food together and using ovens and microwaves and frying pans and deep fryers just right, even blenders! Following recipes exactly once I found where the house I was hiding in had it and then experiencing the satisfaction of being rewarded for my exact obedience to the instructions of the recipe with a perfect meal. That was teaching me the value of obedience even at such a young age. I had only just learned how to read when I first started. "

" I've been cooking for myself since I was barely 4 years old, and loved every minute of it, well except the failures. Those were really frustrating, and it was such an inconvenience having to hide the ruined meal to hide the evidence of me using the food from a stranger's fridge, all while knowing I had to cook the meal all over again. I couldn't give up and not eat a meal, because every meal counted. I needed as much food as I could get. And if the people in the house discovered the evidence that I was there they'd come looking for me. And I'd hear them searching all over the house, the footsteps everywhere, possibly them talking about what they were going to do to me once they found me, and what weapons they'd use, who they'd brag to about them being the ones who had finally killed that ' ugly mutant. ' "

" Damn it, I'm getting too absorbed in the past again. The point is, the occasional failure of a meal from my experimenting had a good result because it taught me what not to do. I grew more experienced. I have all this experience, and what am I doing with it? What if I got rusty? "

" With my luck, I bet if I tried to cook now, I'd have lost my touch. I haven't done it for half of my life, in fact even more of that. With my luck, I'll find that out the one time all my friends would be relying on me to cook and they'll think I was never a good cook to begin with. They might even call me a liar or delusional. What if they start to hate me? No, that's ridiculous. I need to stop even considering this. It's not good to think about that for too long. "

" In any case, what the subject of the conversation that breakfast was exactly was reflecting on the recent past events. The betrayal. Everyone was congratulating each other and congratulating themselves for getting rid of Scourge. But they congratulated me the most of all, with giving me full credit for his imprisonment. Sally Alicia even told me that I'm the real leader around here after everything was all said and done, yesterday. And I smirked at the time because if my brother Scourge knew about that, about his own ' little brother ' taking his leadership, he'd be furious. It was the perfect karma to him for all the selfishness he's shown recently. Neglecting his duty as my ' big brother ' and parental figure in favour of what? Kissing girls as much as possible and doing his own thing. All because he can get more affection from a girlfriend than he ever could from me anyone else. I know that his parents didn't give him the amount of love that they should, but that's no excuse for what he did! I wish he had never gotten a girlfriend in the first place! It just sent him on a slippery slope! And why did he have to ' do his own thing, ' anyways? "

" Why couldn't he have gone up to me and said, ' Hey, lil' bro! I'm goin' on a fun lil' aventure! Wanna tag along? " That's what I'd expect him to do, after spending the entirety of every day getting to know him for a year, but now all of a sudden it's like he thinks he's too good for me! Ditch me and the others to do his own thing, will he? Well, he got what he deserved! Does he have any idea how it feels to be passed up and ditched all the time? Without even a second thought I assume? What, it's not bad enough I got that from my ' real ' parents? And my prospective parents? My brother figure has to do it to? Well I guess it only makes sense. It's destiny. I shouldn't have had any faith that I'd be able to keep such a good thing as a parent. I'm cursed. Maybe one day I'll lose the rest of them, too. I already lost Bunnie, although she never liked me, anyways, so I suppose that's definitely better off that way! I'm glad she's gone! I only tried to convince her to come back out of obligation, not because I like her! How could she ditch us like that? Just because she doesn't like me, that's no excuse! Aside from my friends standing up for me, they treated her just fine! She said she ' could understand ' Sonic cheating on her with Sally earlier, so she couldn't have hated her too much! Well screw that bully, I never liked her anyways. "

" Damn it, getting too far off the subject again. The point is, I'm apparently the new leader now for getting Scourge out of here, even though if I tried to tell them to do something they didn't normally do or to stop doing something they usually do, like their wasting time today bothering non-criminals, they'd look at me funny and judge me and maybe even refuse to do it, so why even bother? What's the point of being ' the real leader, ' if I can't tell them to behave themselves how I'd want anyways? Instead I have to keep humoring them with their lashing out at Dr. Kintobar from stress and boredom even though he's the one person who doesn't deserve it because, well, maybe he IS disgusted by my second tail like everyone else, but his altruism with his invention making and being a docteur for people and even helping his former enemy stay alive suggests otherwise. But I've met plenty of people who were nice to everyone but still treated me like dirt. "

" Should I really care? I mean, objectively speaking of course he doesn't deserve it, of course it's a waste of time, as satisfying destroying robots as it is, but those particular robots are actually being helpful to the world, cleaning up streets of unsightly stuff and such, not like the robots of other worlds according to what I've heard, that'd be much more satisfying to smash to pieces. I feel pathetic when I destroy these things. No, no, not pathetic, but I mean there's still this underlying frustration in me like I could be doing so much more. No thanks to HIM. Feels better attacking criminals out in the city, breaking their limbs so they can't mug people and whatnot for a while, at least then I know I'm actually accomplishing something with my time. Why can't my gang just be satisfied with that? If there was a Robotnik as dangereux annoying as in other worlds here, I bet they'd be a lot more satisfied smashing up his stuff, or at least I would. What if they just tried to ally with him for power instead? Pointless meaningless power. "

" As meaningless as the power I now have. What's the point of being called the leader if I just, if the only thing I'd be accepted for doing is allowing them to keep taking their stresses out on Kintobar anyways? I'm powerless! If I told them to stop doing that, then I'd never hear the end of it! All they'd do is complain to me! That I was being restrictive, arbitrary! They'd never understand. And forget about not taking revenge on our twins. I mean, not that I don't want to do that, I'm just saying as an extreme example! "

" Why wouldn't I want a chance to win a fight with them again? My lucky counterpart has gotten everything in life handed to him on a silver platter without ever having to suffer! He's never been without friends, he's never had to survive on his own! Oh sure, he had to put up with Robotnick, and he's apparently a real tyrant, I'm guessing he makes stupid arbitrary rules I'd hate. And turning people into robot slaves sounds creepy. "

" So his world isn't perfect. But the sheer fact that he likes being called Tails, as if the only important thing worth mentioning about him is his extra limb! Might as well call himself Mutant! The sheer fact that he doesn't even get the insult behind it, the idea that such a slur is insulting, dehumanizing, a label for bullies to use to devalue me, proves that my lucky twin has been pampered his whole life in comparison. Why is that fair? How is that fair, I mean? That I have to suffer sickening amounts of abuse while he isn't even insulted?! It's enraging how unbalanced that is! About time that he knows how it feels to be at the short end of the stick! He should know how it feels! "

" All of this powerless frustration and I can't express any of it! What am I supposed to do, tell him what's the problem? And have him call me a whiner like a bully? Like everyone else? I can't call him a freak or anything, that'd make me just almost as bad as them! I'd be doing the same thing as the bigots I deal with my whole life! "

" And if I tried explaining everything I'm dealing with to him, actually telling him why I'm so enraged by him, why I can barely even stand when he speaks with me, this unbearable frustration I just want to stop, well then what? What if some stupid tears What if my eyes start watering while I'm telling him everything and I look absolutely pathetic? I can't look, I can't afford to reveal even a shred of weakness to him! He hates me! He despises me, he wants me gone! He wishes I never even existed! Just like everyone else! Some hero! All because I was born on a cesspool of a planet where I'm not given the luxury of being able to take my stress out on a much more deserving major target. I'm stuck with a Kintobar who still to this day insists on doing nothing, absolutely nothing to give me justification and make me feel 100% good about inconveniencing him! I'm pressured into wasting my damn time over nothing! "

" And he wouldn't even understand, the lucky brat. He'd just mock me, look at me like I have two tails heads, saying, ' You're jealous of me? ' and smirk and look down on me as pathetic scum, using that as an excuse to dismiss every opinion I say, everything I say and all that I am as worthless and not even worth his consideration. Just like everyone else. Envy just has to be considered that way by people, can't ever be accepted as a legitimate gripe, even if someone's been put through literal torture when he was younger! How dare I want to be in the position of someone whose life was paradise in comparison. At least he gets to be even more productive than cleaning up the streets of thugs! No one's dismissing HIM as garbage, they say he's a sweet kid and appreciate him for who he is for that – I hope that's actually true, I sure as hell have never seen it – and he's got an engineering passion he applies his high intelligence from birth towards, a useful hobby. "

" Meanwhile what did I get obsessed with? Music and weather science. That's so damn useful. What How is playing the piano or memorizing every type of cloud in the sky going to help me over building a plane? Why does he like planes anyways, he can fly! He can fly for as long as he can do anything else, at least until he really needs to use the bathroom or go to sleep, but I doubt he even knows that because from what I've heard, as I told him off for, he neglects his magical potential. And for what? Okay, being an engineer's useful, I'm not that delusional, Boomer's proof of that, but he can be an engineer AND know all about his potential at magic too! And they already have Rotor for that, they don't need 2 engineers! Well I guess if anything happens to him, it's good to have a spare, but still. Why can't he create tornados AND planes called Tornados? He could be so much better than he is, he'd never lose another fight again! Why does he have to be so stubborn? I could teach him so much! Not that I want to, of course, I'm just saying.

" It's frustrating. It's another thing that's frustrating about him. Wasted potential. Why can't he be devoted to and skil good at hone his skills at two things at once, engineering and his own natural abilities that he was born with! He has an extra tail for a reason! And he's aware he can fly with it, why doesn't he experiment with his own natural abilities some more? Especially since before he got into engineering, he had plenty of time and he just arbitrarily passed it up. Passed up improving himself to be the best he can be. Well I guess I should, I should definitely be grateful he's not even better than he is so he can boast to me that he can control the wind too, and with my luck better than I ever could. It's not like I really want the kid to be the best he can ever be or anything. He's got enough to flaunt over me as it is. A brother who still gives a damn, for one! At least from what the Traitor Girl mentioned offhandedly about him, anyways. "

" I know most of what I know about him thanks to her, actually, not like I'm thanking the disgusting heartless ingrate for it! It's just that, if anything that's another reason for me to hate her, another reason for a grudge against her, because Traitor Girl's only made me get even more stress by giving me that information on how lucky he actually is. I didn't have this amount of frustration with him before I knew that he'd never been hunted like a rat, never been bullied, never had to struggle to survive all alone, that people didn't treat him any worse for having an extra limb or look at him funny or make nasty comments every day of his life. Or that his brother still kept trying to actually be a brother instead of hedonistically enjoying as much time as possible kissing girls he didn't even like or doing his own thing apart from him all the time to avoid having a much younger friend cramp his style. That was it, wasn't it? "

" Or was it how I depress him? Does he think I'm pathetic? It's not my fault I'm constantly having to deal with stress from the hell I've been through in the past, reliving vividly memories that anyone would remember strongly if it happened to them! Anyone would be preoccupied with my stresses and easily reminded of those kinds of experiences if it happened to them! But nobody knows how I feel! Not even my own damn counterpart! Who I should be able to relate to more than anyone else because he's literally me, if I was lucky. Damn it all! Why does he get to have the good Sonic? Why can't we both have him? Why can't we both have a brother who'll stick with us through everything, even if I am sometimes depressing to be around because even if I'm smart and don't talk about what I'm being reminded of, the horrified look on my face or even damn panic attacks taking over my body make it depressingly obvious anyways. My friends wish they could fix me. "

" But does that include making me stop holding back, having restraint, having problems with lashing out in every possible way no matter if that'd make me look like scum? Like my bullies were right to treat me as it, because I'd become it? With Traitor Girl, she apparently suffered in the past too, she was even an orphan like me and then was abandoned left to die by Robotnick. But then she abandoned people herself, the only people willing to give her a family, give her compassion and love and loyalty, even if not understanding, since the minute Sonic and Sally found out she had to steal her food to stay alive, they turned on her like a pack of rabid wolves! But I wouldn't have outright betrayed them like she did and made it so that herself being abandoned earlier was what she actually DESERVED. I would have just, I don't know, gave up, if waiting it out wouldn't help. "

" Knowing Sally, it wouldn't. It's her holier-than-thou self-righteous personality – like the bigots who think they're better than a two-tailed freak – at least according to the Traitor Girl anyways, maybe it's possible Sally has more to her than that. Although with the disapproving look she gave me, I doubt it. Had her arms crossed and everything. I could never forget the look on her face when I convinced her to help me that day. She thinks I'm the scum of the earth, probably because I'm the twin of ' Tail ' except because my world isn't enough like hers, I couldn't live my life the way she wants me to. Because there's no real ' villain ' to fight, only criminals, which is ' vigilantism ' as it's labelled. I don't understand why that's not accepted as being a hero too. Crime rates have dropped like a rock! "

" Well, she did have an excuse, I suppose. I had just insulted her friend right in front of her like an idiot when I was trying to get her help. It was a miracle that beautiful lynx was able to work as a living lie detector for me or Sally would've never trusted me. I mean, not like I care how she looked. I just, couldn't help but be surprised by it for a second. She'd give Traitor Girl a run for her money! But the point is, I was in a very fragile situation, I even made a script for myself about what exactly to say to Sally so I wouldn't get nervous, but I still ended up lashing out at Tails and the rest of them just because I was stressed out. What if they refused to help me just because of that?! I would've been screwed! All because I insulted my lucky twin. "

" Well, not even insulted, directly, I didn't even make it clear my actual problems with him. I called him young, something about me that I'm annoyed by since I'm treated differently for it, condescending for it, and that's how I treated him so he'd know how much it hurts for once to be treated like nothing! Damn it, I feel a pit in my stomach again. What is that? I hate it! When I remember my orphanage being struck by lightning and burned to the ground, I feel it, when I remember the screaming loud and piercing of the horrible muggers and whatnot I fight off I feel it, and when I'm reminded of any of the times my brother was warm and friendly to me when I was little I feel it, because I was treated so damn well by him my entire life after he found me, and this is how I repay him! I owe everything to him and I took everything away from him. All from what? A petty grudge? He neglected me for years! How could he do that to me? But that was no excuse! Even though I want it to be. "

" I should have been happy for him! Suddenly he was gifted with a girlfriend and one who was the princess of a whole kingdom at that, and he lived in a castle and had a whole group of new friends who were obliged to protect him, even if they decided on hating him before even meeting him, because they were jealous that he overthrew Ally's evil king father and they couldn't. That wasn't really fair to him. And he tried to be friends with them from the very first meeting, being all friendly cracking jokes, even if, it's a shame his idea of breaking the ice with a new friend involves teasing them for their name. Gave Patch and Buns even more reason to never even give him a chance. "

" But if they did, would things be better for us now, if they were all really good friends like he had wanted? 'Twan would still have his eye, the Prime Twan would've never been sent here forced to disguise himself and put up with me hugging him and expecting him to say ' I love you ' back to me to make me think he was the real deal, maybe, no definitely Buns would still be here because the whole string of events starting with Sonic ditching me selfishly and leading to the real Sonic throwing her in toxic waters wouldn't have forced her to go to Kintobar and be stuck in that creepy mech suit. So she wouldn't have had an excuse to ditch us, she'd still be here bitching about how my friends show me compassion and understanding, and calling me weak and not belonging with the gang. Seriously, how can she think she's a hero now when she was the worst person of my gang? She's completely heartless! "

" Maybe she is sort of right. She does have good points. I don't really fit in with any group of people, I don't belong with anyone. Too different from everyone else. Too miserable, too scarred, too depressing. Too many things I'm still made very uncomfortable by because of those damn memories of mine! I wish they'd just get out of my sight! I wonder if Scourge would say the same about me? It hurts so much to think about it. "

" That the most loving, caring, understanding friend I've ever had probably can't think about me now without rage, I can't stand thinking about it. The blue hedgehog who saved my life and took me into his home and gave me everything good about my life now is so hard to reconcile as the same green hedgehog he is now, who's suddenly obsessed with meaningless power getting authority over a whole world he doesn't even care about or bother to learn how to be good at running a country, so what'd it give him that he didn't have? Status? He HAD status! His reputation as someone you don't want to mess with! What's the point? He didn't even run the country anyways, just shoved the paperwork onto someone else. I can't believe he'd be the kind of person who'd literally blind someone in one eye, even if that someone had done some very unsettling things, but he was still someone he was wanting to be his good friend at first. "

" And now he's completely obsessed with trying to be different from Sonic trying to validate his own existence in the processus. He didn't need to do that! He was perfect the way he was! Well not really, I could've done without him pressuring me to do things I didn't entirely want to do. But other than that, he used to be the perfect friend! Even his flaws like his not being educated speaking all informally were just a part of his charm! His recklessness was his being carefree, fun-loving, full of aventure! His endless undying optimism that always put a smile on my face as he reassured me with his arm around me or even gave me a kiss on the forehead like a parent should! Where's that Sonic now? Well he's in prison, that's where. Trapped in this green hedgehog like he's his conscience and I might never get him back! Or a brother enough like him. The Prime Sonic would never agree to it of course, he'd only think I'm weird and be creeped out because I'm an ' evil twin. ' I hate that label. Almost more than mutant. "

" But my point is, if Scourge really cared about being unique from Sonic, being as opposite to him as possible, why not go all the way? Become absolutely incomparable! Trade away your super speed for being as slow as a turtle! Breathe water instead of air! Live underground! Listen to jazz music! There's SO MUCH he's just always going to have in common with Sonic, because like it or not, that's just who he is! They have practically the same personality! A part of who he is, his identity that he can't run away from, is being a Sonic! I thought he was the person I knew with such unwavering inspiring confidence in himself that he wouldn't be able to get bogged down by an obsessive insecurité like that. Why not just embrace it? He already embraces most of the other things he has in commun with Sonic! His super speed, his opposition to bullies who hate how I look and stuff, he loves rock music, he likes chili dogs, he's a cheerful optimist who's always full of energy! Even his being uneducated having dropped out of school from not wanting to do work and listen to teachers, all of that is just another flaw that he embraces. Why not being a Sonic too? Why does he get all stressed out over it and not any other Sonic? "

" From what the Traitor Girl's said, what I've heard her mention about Sonic, he and Scourge have so much in commun inherently that Scourge will never be as unique from him as he ' needs ' to be! I don't understand why it even bothers him. I don't mind that I have what little I have in commun with my lucky twin – treating my friends right, refusing to end someone's life, loyalty, well until what I had to do to Scourge anyways. I just couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand to see my friends so miserable, I couldn't stand to see that traitor getting so much undeserved love and attention from the closest to a parent I had. I snapped. "

" And besides, I did the right thing, didn't I? It was all preventing a big disaster in the end, wasn't it? What would Scourge have eventually done in his ' Super form? ' I'm so glad I didn't get to see that. From what I've heard of my friend's account of what he was doing, the power of the Anarchy Beryls was overemphasizing his negative emotions so that he lost his control over them, he had no inhibitions anymore. A punishment so high for it that I don't see the appeal in even using it in the first place. What if he would've done something stupid like get the whole damn universe destroyed? It's a good thing I told Sonic where he hid an Anarchy Beryl so he could be stopped. Even if he did yank on my extra tail to do it. No, he didn't do it on purpose, did he? He's not that kind of monster, like the people who would drag me by the tail into a beating. I don't want to think about that. Point is, he just wanted to keep me from running for cover because then he wouldn't have been able to get the info he needed. He's not a monster. "

" He's not even as much of a selfish stupid jerk as the ' evil twin ' of his. Even though I desperately wanted to believe he was and pretended he was as I was throwing him into the portal with the formerly loving parent of mine. I can barely even write about that because it's such a painful memory. I hate thinking about it because it only makes me feel worse. I tried to gleefully enjoy that heinous act that Boomer had ordered me to do in the first place, I smiled, well smirked, and I even imitated Patch saying Bon voyage to them, and imitating that murderer was even more of a reason that I hate looking back on this. He's my best friend now. He's the only brother figure I have left. He was making more of a consistent effort than Scourge was most of my life. And he killed people, who hadn't done anything to deserve it. How? How is this the same person who let me sleep with my head on his chest when I was sick and hold his hand when we were going through a hallway in the dark? Just like Scourge, he's 2 people at once, and I hate one of them. "

" Even if it was just one time, speaking to Antoine like an enemy was uncomfortable after I had spent an entire year with him as the most relatable and closest friend I've ever had, even though I didn't know it was him at the time. If it were up to me, I would just leave him alone. I feel like such a traitor, liking my own friend's counterpart more than him, but being able to relate to Antoine so well just drove home the fact that I can't relate to that murderer at all, or any of my friends for that matter. I hate it. And sometimes I hate him! But I can't hate the person I owe my life to, owe everything to. I don't hate him, I'm disappointed in him. I just hate what he's become. "

" Do I want him to be more like Prime Sonic? Would he still have distanced himself from me, for being too young and depressing? And too ' restrained? ' Would he have still chosen girlfriends over me? Why can't he just have both? Would him being a hero have prevented all that? I mean, he was a hero before by fighting criminals with me and all. Made him like ' Bat Man, ' right? I mean more of a hero like Sonic. Or maybe Sonic has that self-righteous streak Traitor Girl complained about, that made him turn on her for being forced to steal food to survive. How could he be so heartless?! How could he not understand? She was his own friend! And even girlfriend! He's supposed to be a hero! And even he gets caught up in a label! To the point of driving one of his own friends away! What if he does that to me too? I had to do the exact same thing! And for more justified reasons, she's no mutant. I can't understand why she couldn't just ask and get what she needed. She was born normal. "

" I was born a ' freak. ' I could've been born normal. I have nothing, and Tail has everything. Okay I don't have nothing, damn it I even made a giant list of all the pros of my life for this very reason! But it feels like I have nothing, that everything I do is not even worth being considered an accomplishment. I have to force myself just to get up in the morning. Because I can't stay in bed all day! Being useless to the people who want to keep me alive and well like that would be betrayal! It'd be disgustingly selfish of me and I don't want to be that type of person! Not like her! I'll never be like her! Even if that means not potentially getting a better life. "

" The worst part is I might actually be at the point where I know how Scourge's girlfriend used to feel. I'm stuck in a situation where the only way to solve most of my problems and get rid of most of my stresses would be to abandon my only friends for the Freedom Fighters, and it goes without saying that it'd be a selfish thing to do! So I hate wasting my time, so what? Doesn't give me the right to just ditch them and have them hate me! Just to potentially be cold-heartedly rejected by Sally anyways. So what if I want a better life? That's not my right to decide, even if I have suffered. I owe it to them as my duty to repay my friends for keeping me safe. So I have to stay with them. I'm stuck to them like an anchor. "

" And the day where I'll be expected to come and take revenge on a planet that didn't give me anywhere near as bad of experiences is coming sooner. What if they do something disturbing that Scourge tried to make me do like destroy an entire city full of people who haven't done anything to hurt me? What if taking my revenge ends up with me making a huge mistake? What if I'll end up burning bridges that way? Will they, would the Freedom Fighters ever forgive me if I went along with it? Would they ever even listen to my explanations? What if I can do something to permanently lock myself out of having a less meaningless existence with them? Using my weather abilities for a deserving cause instead of them being wasted on someone who isn't allowed to make good use of it. "

" Damn it, it always comes back to this, doesn't it? Being productive. My whole life, I've wanted to prove to the bigots of my world that I'm not a mistake. And so far I haven't been allowed to prove that yet. What have I really done with my life? Injure criminals who just go back to crime after they get out of the hospital anyways? But killing them would only make me feel worse. It'd prove people right about me being a monster, make me no better than the people who were trying to kill me because I'd have done the same thing! Why can't I just turn this damn thing off? At least Scourge doesn't have to constantly stress out over doubt and uncertainty over what he's doing in life, he just blindly enjoys himself making his life a paradise. "

" Ever since I met them, it's only given me two more reasons to stress out and rant at myself and the world; jealousy of Tails and my damn guilt complex. Already had it before, what with those damn islanders blaming me for everything, but meeting a version of myself who's allowed to live a much more productive life has made my doubt even worse. I can still remember my brother Sonic saying to me, ' You need to be more confident in yourself! I know people insulted you lots, but you really gotta lighten up a bit! ' I wish I could follow that advice. I'm sorry Sonic. I still love you. I wish you could understand. "

" I know Scourge isn't the type who deserves an apology, considering what he wastes his potential on, but if I could communicate him with somehow, free of any consequences, I think an apology would be the only thing I'd say to him. But how would I word my apology to begin with? Where would I even begin? It's hard to even describe how I'm feeling because I can barely bring myself to write about those memories to begin with. Like the one where a Sonic-shaped robot was literally strangling him in front of me! And just looking at it forced me to vividly remember when that exact thing happened to me! I tried to ignore it, I was blinking and looking away and trying to focus on realité, but I couldn't help but remember how that bully's hand felt around my neck squeezing it while holding me over the ground before a bolt of lightning forced him to drop me hard to the ground and saved my life! I knew exactly what he was going through. "

" But what could I have even done to help? If I had tried, I would've just gotten myself killed! It would've just attacked me and I'd have been an idiot! I wasn't fully aware of the extent of my powers back then. If this happened now, I would've instinctively saved him because I'd have known that I was capable of doing it. I would've sent an electrical charge specifically through the robot while forcefully directing it away from Scourge, but if I had tried that back then, I wouldn't have known I could've done that in the first place, so the lightning would've gone straight through it to him! So I couldn't have done anything to help him without making things worse. And I didn't want to look like a coward by being honest about how terrified I was when I was already way too known for that as it is, and I didn't want to look pathetic by admitting that I couldn't do anything to help. And I didn't want to accept that I was either of that either. "

" So I coped with the situation in the most common way that I do. I acted like everyone expected because they expected it of me. I acted like I had no problem with it and was if anything enjoying it, trying to make the best of a bad situation and smile through the pain. Just like my optimistic big brother had always taught me. And I tried to make myself feel that way as hard as I could, so that it wouldn't hurt as much, keeping in mind the neglect he put me through, intentionally or not, to justify it. The rationale of mine made perfect sense in my head. To everyone else, I looked like I was just making a ' clever ' excuse to not help him, even though there was no way I could've helped him effectively in the first place. When really, watching the person who I owe my life to nearly get killed in front of me was so unnerving and triggering, it was almost torture! "

" But I had to save face in front of my friends, and myself. So I acted like I enjoyed a situation I hated in the hopes of making myself like it, just like I always do. Every single day of my life. I hate my life so much. It's no excuse for seeming like such an uncaring jerk, and I'm hating myself just thinking about it right now. I owe everything to him. He's the reason I still draw breath. I can't, words can't describe how much he means to me, that blue hedgehog who raised me for the happiest year of my life. Who I have such a hard time believing is the same person as the one he is now. I separate the two in my head, I've done it ever since he got a girlfriend. The person who cared about me so much back then means so much to me, but now he's gone, and things will never be the same. "

" Even if they could, I'll always remember how he neglected me for most of my life. He's no better than his father. Neglecting his own child in favour of doing his own thing even though he knew how much it hurt. That's the Sonic, I mean Scourge, that I resent. And that's still the worst I can honestly say about him, because I can't hate him, I hate what he's done. I hate the situation between us and I hate what he's become. But I'll never hate the person who saved my life. "

" It's just as confusing to me as it sounds. I'm full of contradictions, and even I can't keep things straight. I'm always in conflict, no matter what I do. Maybe it's just not worth trying anymore. Maybe I should just go to them and give them one last apology just to prove myself right about them rejecting me on the basis of labels. And then I'll give up because I'll have nowhere else to go. Maybe I'll jump into a volcano somewhere, there are plenty of those around. I've never tasted wine before, maybe that's a good time to start. "

" Or realistically speaking, maybe my survival instincts just wouldn't let me go through with that in the first place. Meaning I'd be stuck on Mobius with no friends and no life worth living. I can't even get the motivation to take the coward's way out. Buns was right, I'm pathetic. This is why I don't write about my life often. Nothing but complaints I can do nothing about without causing even more things to worry about. "


End file.
